Jan 15, 2012

Live Kvetching the Golden Globes 2012: THE DRESSES

7 pm: I don't have cable so watching red carpet on NBC. That's the way I roll.
First out of the gate, Clooney, looking yummy as always. He's not my favorite for best actor, but I like him, I like his politics, I like his movies as a director and you can sue me if you want.
Laura Linney, hate the blue dress. Looks like half an origami lesson.
Cool, NBC has no sound! More evidence we are officially living in a Third World country.
Fixed it. Ricky Gervais wearing a great tuxedo the color of dried blood, which he better spill tonight, given all the hype around him.
Viola Davis: lovely dress, lovely color. Not my favorite for the award (enough with the cryin' already). I want someone to give her a villainess role, for a change.
The Jolie-Pitts. Awesome dress by her. She got pretty cause she got a ridiculous nomination for her movie, which I haven't seen, but which sounds like a barrel of laughs, like collective punishment for our foreign policy sins. Brad looking like the preternatural surfer boy he always looks like. Hair a bit greasy, in my view.
Julianna Margulies looks like a giant grape Jolly Rancher candy, not necessarily a bad thing.
Charlize Theron looking like a cloud of cotton candy, with a big bad pink bow, so that nobody confuses her with the bitch on wheels she plays on Young Adult. She is really good, BTW.
Zooey Deschanel wearing a nice Prada dress and the hair of Connie Stevens circa 1970. Bad application of hair extensions.
Laura Dern looks fabulous in a green sequined dress. Love that lady. Fearless actress. 
Michelle Williams, meh dress. Violet leopard spots, but at least she's not wearing those boring beiges she usually likes. She's good as Marilyn, but I insist Jessica Chastain would have been better casting.
Steve Buscemi! A man no one can hate. J'adore him forever. Still lives in Bklyn. Rock on!
I don't live blog about anyone but huge stars and reputable actors, but Nicole Ritchie just said: "My hair is by Suave Professionals" How tacky is that? ...And I wiped my ass with Charmin?
Elton John and his shaggy rug. Scary. But the boyfriend "furnishes" the cute.
Fabulous green and black sequin and feathers dress on Evan Rachel Wood, a young hammette.
Aw, Octavia Spencer, absolutely lovely. I'm rooting for her. Loved her in that awful movie.
I'm finding it hard to describe Salma Hayek's sequined dress. But it looks like something out of a Las Vegas gambling machine. Her boobs are really distracting.
Madonna's boobs are going to sue her for strangulation. Why is Esther wearing a huge cross? Not very kabbalistic.
Claire Danes has big features, nes't pas? No bra, hence tiny nipple blinking through her unfriendly Calvin Klein dress.
Why do comediennes have the worst taste in dresses? Amy Poehler is wearing what looks like a sequined t shirt. Everytime Tina Fey shows up at one of these things, I tremble.
Diane Lane and Josh Brolin. Lookin' good. He turned out to be a great actor, even with that dad.
Mila Kunis' face looks inordinately round for some reason. Starved as a ballerina she looked stunning.
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart un peu de creepiness right there from him.
Di Craprio may win. He's good in a terrible film. Acted well despite the worst make up job ever. No arm candy tonite. Where's Tobey?
La Portman and Il Millepied. She nabbed him and I will never forgive her for that.
You may not know who Stephen Mangan is, but I saw him in The Norman Conquests on Broadway and he blew me away. Fantastic actor, currently second banana to Matt LeBlanc. Fame is strange.
Tina Fey, dress not too horrifying this time. Oops. They panned down. I take it back. Mermaid dresses are not my cup of tea. Worse if they have feathers on the bottom.
Emma Stone, she's so cute. The eye makeup threatens to run off and get back to Elvira, though.
OMG! An ad for SCIENTOLOGY! So far this is the most exciting part of the red carpet. Particularly since there is a scene with a prominently displayed Israeli flag. WTF? Creepy cult on prime time!
Glenn Close: Nice black velvet dress. Armani Prive. Totally elegant.
Reese Witherspoon should make better movies because she is good and adorable. Looking very pretty and grown up in a fabulous red dress.
Bryan Cranston looks like a wrinkled version of Ewan McGregor, which is not at all a bad thing.
Oooo Helen Mirren, she's having great work done to her face.
Sofia Vergara. She's hot, no? Despite the mermaid dress. I vote for retiring this tendency to the back of the closet.
Okay, this serious award ceremony is starting.

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