Dec 2, 2006

Bond has no fun

I now know why I don't go to James Bond movies. They are made exclusively for gadget freaks, five year-olds who need to see everything ever made with an engine. They make no sense and all the action makes me yawn. However, since the new Bond is Daniel Craig, me and my friend Cynthia decided to sacrifice almost three hours of our precious time to support our beloved's career move. After three hours of boredom, all I can say to Daniel is: good for you, but don't quit your day job acting in small movies where you seem to have much more fun.
Whatever money they offered him, he is certainly working hard for it. He runs, bumps into things, jumps from buildings, has fights while someone drives a tanker, and is tortured (my favorite scene, since he is buck naked).
Meanwhile he only sleeps with two women, in my opinion, none of them earthshaking beauties, and he simply does not have any time to enjoy himself. When he is asked whether he'd like his martini shaken or stirred, and he answers "do I look like I bloody care?" I want to jump his bones immediately, but this is not my idea of Bond, a man who has always been wrong about martinis (stirred, always), but who at least in previous incarnations knew how to have fun at the job.
This poor Bond has issues. We are told he has a huge ego (maybe because he is now of petite yet powerful frame), he is a joyless killing machine, he trusts no one, he has a chip on his shoulder, he can't relate. Do please come crying to mama here, I will make it better, I promise.
I like that Casino Royale is darker and less silly (not by much) than other Bond films. I like that it is supposed to be more faithful to the original Ian Fleming book. The movie is very nicely shot, very sharply edited. It has a horrid song at the cool title sequence where the James Bond theme we all know and love should be raising our adrenaline, the product placement is way out of hand, and it completely wastes Jeffrey Wright (who is so good he still registers), Judi Dench and Giancarlo Giannini, who seems to be taking a long Italian siesta throughout the proceedings.
Now, Daniel Craig looks absolutely magnificent in a tux. He looks terrific in swimming trunks and he wears beautiful suits beautifully. Cynthia complained that he has buffed up way too much and looked much better naked in The Mother, a good, dark movie you should see in order to comprehend why Cynthia and I are fans of Mr. Craig. As Bond, he drinks shitty drinks, beds soso women and the most fun he has is being tortured by Le Chiffre, played with more panache and humanity than anyone in the movie by Mads Mikkelsen, a guy from Scandinavia with a name out of a Bond movie. He is the best thing in the film. Eva Green, and here my friend Mauricio will strongly object, does nothing for me. She seems to do nothing for Bond either, because despite his protestations to the contrary, there is absolutely no chemistry between the two.
Casino Royale is about 40 minutes too long. My advice to Mr. Broccoli is: for the next installment, girls just want to see Bond have more fun.

No comments:

Post a Comment